Things I Learned the Hard Way

I’ve just come through an experience that has taught me a lot about relationships that I think relates to finding the right kind of person to marry.

I couple of years ago I hired a webmaster. Obviously, based on what you see here he is very talented, and from what I hear lately, is landing some really big gigs. I’m glad for him.

But I had to part ways with him. It took me two years to come to this decision, but in the end I had to accept we simply had different ideas about a lot of things. We were incompatible.

It took me a while to understand the problem, which came down to the fact that I outgrew my original dependency upon him. Rather than teaching me how to do much that I could easily have done on my own all along, he preferred to do all the work himself. He needed to earn money from my site. I needed to save money. Neither of us were necessarily wrong; we are just at cross purposes.

Many marriages are like this. At first, because we feel insecure and lacking in confidence we may choose someone who makes us feel protected; who tells us how wonderful we are all the time, and does all the hard stuff for us. But unfortunately, as time goes by and we grow up and learn a few things on our own, we begin to realize we’ve traded off learning and growth for security.

This happened to my mother. Of course, she grew up in an age and time when women were expected to be dependent on men, so I’m not dissin’ my Mom. But my father was very controlling, and over the years my mother deferred to him on all fronts. But now that he is gone, she is devastated, and barely able to function without him at all.

I have a new webmaster now, and already he has taught me how to add my own events (a simple but transformative internet skill) make minor changes, and because of that success I’ve gotten brave enough to add a plug-in all by myself. Now you can share my blog posts with others and put them on your blog too.

This empowers me. I want to learn how to do more. I am excited about using my blog and website to grow my ministry and counseling work more.

This is what a good marriage should feel like. We need to choose mates who will empower us; who understand that fostering our dependence will only kill the relationship in the long run. Find someone who teaches you things, isn’t threatened when you ask questions, and understands that if you grow, so does he or she. See yourself in a partnership, not in a protectorate.

Grow together and I promise you that you won’t grow apart. Come on, blog with me!