The Story Women

The Story Women.  Watch the video and tell me what you think…

Part II: Concrete and Clay: How to Get Your Marriage to Your Opposite Unstuck

http://recordings.talkshoe.com/TC-97112/TS-505123.mp3

Yes…there IS Life After Stupid….

A couple of years ago my book, Stupid About Men: 10 Rules for Getting Romance Right, was published by Simon and Schuster. Like most pre-economic crash authors, I dreamed of the day I’d be on Oprah and be #1 on the New York Times bestseller list.

Well…here I am two years later, having published a book that got pulled down into the mudslide of a economic tsunami, and in the meantime the illness and death of two parents in one year. It has not been an easy two years. And Oprah isn’t even on the air anymore!

That said, all I can say is that I’m alive and well and excited to say that wonderful things have risen from the ashes of the publishing decline. Painful as it was, I’ve learned a great deal. I’m a great deal smarter than I was even a couple of years ago.

That’s what stupid mistakes will do for you. You learn from them, and if you’re smart you’ll capitalize on what you’ve learned instead of floundering around in a sea of guilt, regret, and self-loathing. You know–the “woulda, coulda, shouldas…”
But that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?

Ironically, because of the economy, my work shifted. As the numbers of clients I saw took a downturn (due to a glut of newly-out-of-work therapists in the area and folks losing their jobs) my corporate crisis work doubled. But a lot of what I’ve learned that I’m going to share with you comes from that work. It’s good stuff! In fact, I’m still responding about once a week, teaching seminars, and working with victims, in addition to my work as a marriage counselor, often with marriages in high conflict. Whew! I’ve been busy!

But not too busy that I haven’t had time to capture what I’ve learned along the way to help benefit you. And I’m in the process of putting it altogether to create a new web site (www.lifeafterstupid.com) that is the title of my new radio show and online video channel that I plan to populate with all sorts of resources like ebooks, podcasts, and webinars.

So from henceforth, this blog will be dedicated to that effort. I’ll use this as a quick way, along with Facebook and Twitter, to announce new uploads and recordings. And the great thing is that there will be just as much here for men as there is women, both married and single, divorced, and those with blended families. There will be something here for everybody! And the emphasis here is not in highlighting what you did and pointing fingers, but teaching you how to not only get over it, but make it work in some kind of positive way for you. My friend, that is true victory!

So tune in and listen. Join me and my cohost Mike Phillips on Sunday evenings as we laugh, share information, and take your phone calls. Follow the link on the website or listen to past broadcasts. I can’t wait for you to call in and talk to us.

Yes, darlin’, there IS Life After Stupid….

Eat a little pie for Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day Blues?

Video tips about smart marital choices…

Smart Relationship Choices

Need some timely information about making smart relationship choices? Then watch this video!

El Salvadore….

Yes, I’ve been home for over two weeks now, and still haven’t been able to sit down and write about my mission trip to El Salvadore. Of course, I’ve been busy since I’ve returned, seeing clients and having lots of company. I’ll share more about that later. But I also think I didn’t really want to write about it. Not yet. At least until now…My experiences are still too fresh and precious. I wanted to think about my experience before I wrote about it. 

But I realize that the time is come and if I don’t share with you soon, you might think I’ve forgotten you. Trust me, I never forget you. It’s just that I want what I write to be worth your time to read. I don’t read many blogs and when I do I want them to be full of good information and worth my time; not just the ramblings of a self-indulgent narcissist who thinks the world hangs on every word they say. If I had any of that in me (and I most certainly have, most of my life) a lot of it got stripped from me in El Salvadore. How can one stay in that mode when witnessing first hand the struggles of those whose daily lives are so difficult, but yet who also manage to stay positive, healthy, focused on their families, and grateful for what they have…so different from what I experience here in the U.S. especially as a marriage counselor. 

My first days there were about adjusting. We arrived in San Salvadore on Wednesday, July 21, in the mid-afternoon, wearing our wonderful lime green mission shirts. Actually it was a great idea. Since most of us didn’t know each other it was a way of keeping our group together until we got where we were going. 

 The airport was small but bustling, and the various lines we had to go through intimidating, especially customs. But in general, the El Salvadoran people were friendly and didn’t try to be harsh or unpleasant. Still…the miltant looking security walking around with rifles didn’t help me feel very safe, even though I knew I was. 

The air was muggy and I immediately noticed that everything looked grimy, a bit bedraggled, and certainly not state-0f-the-art, a result of years of disaster and war, I’m sure. Of course we were a bit tired and grimy ourselves, having left Raleigh at 6 a.m. Once we completed the security process we gathered outside where we were met by Juan de Dios Pena, the very young and sweet director of the Methodist Conference of El Salvadore. My first impression of him was that he smiled all the time, and no matter how many missions groups he worked with, he made us feel special, and as if he were having the time of his life. 

Juan de Dios, his wife, and daughter 

We all boarded a bus (didn’t realize that all yellow school buses go to Central America when they get too old here) and bounced and laughed our way to Ahauchapan,  nice-sized town about an hour or so from San 

Salvadore, up near the Honduran border. En route we stopped at a Methodist Clinic and dropped off medical supplies several people had brought into the country in their backpacks. I was sad to realize that even aspirin, Tylenol, and basic antibiotic ointments are scarce in most rural villages. I was also surprised that one of the first people I met was a young man from Rocky Mount, N. C. by the name of Brian Wubberly. I learned that he was from First Baptist Church there (the place where I saw my first counseling client EVER) and when I found out we had mutual friends I shook my head in amazement. At that moment I knew this was God’s way of showing me how far I had come and reminding me of where I had started, and that I was right where He wanted me to be. 

The Methodista de Clinique 

After we dropped off the medicine we headed up to the Colonia de Victorias outside of Ahuachapan, a hostel for missionaries run by Della Quintanella, a sweet woman whose husband had died suddenly of a heart attack the year before. We learned that it had been their dream to build this retreat and that now she and her sister and son (an agronomy student at the university) were now in the process of building this lovely place. I was blessed to have a GREAT roommate, Brenda Hudson, a nurse from Littleton, N. C. This was her fifth trip and we were so much alike it was sometimes a bit unreal. Trust me, having a good roommate was a really big deal for me! 

My wonderful roomie!

Rustic though it was, I loved where we stayed. Della was a wonderful cook who grew all of her own vegetables (we ate lots of cucumber, squash, beans) raised her own chickens and eggs, and grew much of the fruit, such as the limes, watermelon, and the fruit in the drinks she prepared. We ate our meals in a huge high-ceilinged dining hall that was cool and spacious. 

Headed to El Salvadore…

The countdown has begun. I’m headed to bed and tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. will board Delta Flight 1949 to Atlanta, Georgia. Then another flight to San Salvadore, where I will be working for a week with the remainder of my team from Winstead UMC in Wilson and Littleton UMC in Ahauchapau, El Salvadore and in San Salvadore.

Besides the fact that I’m finally getting to go on a mission trip, my thrill is that I will experience the dream of a lifetime, of teaching 50 plus El Salvadoran pastors community disaster response and disaster mental health information. I will teach counseling skills, communication skills, and team building, as well as understanding vulnerable populations and things they can do to build community disaster resilience

More so than books, television, and radio, I feel that I was born to do this. I’ve been commissioned by God to help prepare the world for the “dark days” and this is my small contribution. If He so desires, I will do it until the day I drop dead–and die happy.

Of course, I want to share my journey with you. On the few times I’ll have internet access I’ll try to post pictures and memories here and on my Facebook page. When I come home, I’ll write more extensively.

Please pray for me. I’ll  pray for you, and for all my readers, friends, and life journey companions.

By the way, 1949 is my birth year. Isaiah 49 is my signature verse.  No accident.

God bless you all.

Deborah

Independence Day

As much as I love travel, I’ve never wanted to live anywhere else  in the world except North Carolina (although I’ve surely longed for an extended vacation from it on occasion..) This is my home. I love it, I do.

That’s not to say I love it all the time. In fact, there are times I feel that if I have to drive 70 East to the coast and I-40 west one more time I will surely die of the monotony alone, not to mention the fatigue of fighting traffic and tourists. I’ve seen and done just about everything there is to do here, and in a few border states as well. After all, I’ve lived here over sixty years. But still, there is comfort in the familiarity, even if it does get boring from time to time.

Long term marriages are like that. I’ll be married forty-one years next Monday, July 12th so I ought to know. We’ve got a good marriage and we love each other dearly, but I’ll be honest, there are times when marriage to the same man over such a long period of time seemed like an endurance contest.  I longed for travel, excitement, adventure, and new experiences. On the other hand, my husband could eat in the same restaurant, wear the same clothes, and travel to the mountains every few months and never, ever get tired of the routine. He loves routine. I have always hated it.

Of course, those differences created a lot of conflict through the years, especially when he was the primary breadwinner and my choices in life were limited because I was dependent on him to pay the bills, and there was never enough left over for me to fund the adventures I so desired.

But there was more to it than that…I was dependent on him emotionally, because I was fearful of doing things by myself. I couldn’t imagine traveling overseas without him, and I when I did have a few coins I would always find something I needed in my house or for work that gave me an excuse to avoid pursuing the adventures I thought I craved. 

But as the years went by, I got a bit smarter, braver, and after the children left home, a whole lot more independent. I realized that my husband was never going to change and that if I didn’t want life to pass me by I was going to have to stop being so dependent on him and start marking some things off my “bucket list.”

So on my fiftieth birthday, I declared my own personal Independence Day. I made a list of things I wanted to do before I died. I began to travel some, I started writing, and began engaging in hobbies that I’d given up on years before. I declared freedom from fear, excuses, and self-sabotage. I finally reached my longtime career goal of becoming a therapist.

In a few weeks (July 21) I will achieve another life-long goal of participating in a foreign missions team. I’ll be going to El Salvadore with a team from Winstead UMC in Wilson, NC. We’ll be gone a week, and while there I am thrilled to say that I will be teaching a group of El Salvadoran pastors who will be coming into the city from all over the country about disaster mental health and community disaster preparedness. I’m working on the materials that I’ll be taking now.

This is a huge step for me. I’m nervous and feel inadequate. I could really use your prayers.

When I think of my life now and the days I was home all day long with two toddlers and nothing more exciting than a game show on television, I stand amazed. But honestly, now that I’ve finally achieved some of my dreams, the more I realize the wonder and joy in an ordinary day.  If I hadn’t been so emotionally dependent back then and more secure in the knowledge that one day I would reach my goals and dreams, I’d have savored the sweetness of those days with more patience and gratitude.

Dependence on others to make you happy and to give you a life does that to you–it takes away your emotional freedom and joy in life. It makes us a slave to the “what if” and regrets that come from wasting time being afraid and settling for a boring life.

This July 4th, think about freedom–but not just the country of your birth. Think about the country in your heart. Are you free to live, love, laugh, and enjoy your life? Do you feel like a slave to a boring marriage, a routine job, or you just don’t seem to find the courage to reach for your dreams because you are waiting on others in your life to make them come true?

Declare your own Independence Day. And let Freedom ring.

A few photos….

Living Room/Dining

fenced in play area for children